|
|
Wednesday, May 19th, 2004
| |
1:36 pm - It has almost been a whole year?
|
Hm.....I don't even know where to begin. Last night was interesting, but rough in a lot of ways, and being with people from the past, and getting the past shoved in my face made me realize I need to go back and try to make sense of everything that happened, unfortunately I went back to look at my livejournal last night, and feel that maybe if I can't be open face to face with friends, throwing something out there for people to stumble across might make things easier to look at or understand why I am the way I am. So, ironically as I summed up my four years in high school in my last entry, I feel like looking back at a year that had everything from the very good to the very, very bad, and left me wanting to be that kid that was so scared about leaving home because I felt like I had it all figured out.
The first few weeks of school were intimidating to say the least, for the first time in my life I buckled down academically, and it wasn't good enough. It was the first time I was faced with the notion that maybe I wasn't as smart as I thought I was, and it was scary. I felt like I was the only one who felt that way (I wasn't) but regardless it was a shock, and it made me feel a lot weaker in all aspects of life because I came face to face with the idea that I might not be able to pull off all my ambitious goals. I made frequent trips home, because I was tied to home, and it was such a good thing right away, because my family missed me, I missed being home, and it made the initial transition a ton easier. Then came Homecoming weekend, in which I remember being at a lab on Friday afternoon and half-assing it to get done early because I was so excited to go home. Sadly, that day my Grandpa died, which was essentially unexpected, he had health problems a few weeks earlier, but was doing well in recovering.
Out of this experience I felt things I’d never felt a lot up to that point: genuine sadness, emotional instability, and more guilt than you would ever want to go through. I had a chance to go to Hawaii a few weeks before he died, and I opted to stay in school, something I dread looking back on, but something I have to deal with anyways. In essence, I missed my last chance to say good bye, and my last chance to see a fourth of me when he was still alive, and I’ve been wrestling with those thoughts ever since. I have never felt greedier or more selfish, anybody can say what they want, but I made the wrong choice, and I’m paying for it now. Anyways, I went to Hawaii for four days, which meant in that four days I flew for 24 hours, had to adjust to being in a place five hours behind, then come back to a place five hours ahead, and go take an exam. I had never been so physically beat up and emotionally beat up at the same time, and I had a tough time waking up and moving around, or resuming some sort of normal eating and sleeping schedule. I figured I could give it a few weeks, and then I’d be back to normal.
October 21st, my Grandma died. This was expected, but for members of my immediate family it rehashed everything we went through two weeks prior, and it was too much too fast, it was the defining moment in a year where I know I may not ever be the same, and it manifests itself further by making me realize that my family won’t ever be the same either. Sadly, the same circumstances hold true for my Grandma as they did my Grandpa, I never got to say bye to her while she was still alive. After this, I began skipping a lot of classes, became frighteningly introverted, watched my grades slipped, and didn’t know how to handle things anymore, so I just did my best to avoid the world, unless they communicated with me through my computer. At least out of this I put more of a priority on what it was to really love someone and be in love, and realize that you should never be idle in letting people know how you feel about them, which is something I did well for an 18 year old boy, but it made me wonder what the world thought of me; I had to beg for compliments in order to assure myself I was worth something.
Essentially, that first semester finished off like it started, I was totally clueless. I lost two grandparents in two and a half weeks, got put in my place academically, began to know what it was like to have to separate from home and be independent, and I just felt like I needed to be at home and sleep and rest and be with my old friends, seeing as I didn’t make too many in Madison. However, I came home to something horrifyingly different, my Mom and Dad were constantly fighting, and taking a break from each other, they shifted their focus to me when I got home. I got yelled at (I mean YELLED at) for things like parking the car too close to the house, and I was breaking the concrete? And drunk driving? And things that I didn’t do, but apparently couldn’t do right either. They weren’t proud of what I did in school, they wanted to know why I didn’t have a 4.0, after all I only took 13 credits. Home was all of a sudden a scary place, and I didn’t have anywhere safe to go or be, most of all because I internalized all of this misery and kept it pent up. Me and my dad had a fight, didn’t talk for three days, which I never really told a lot of people, and to this day we still have reserves about each other for what was said that day. My sister was in the midst of moving suddenly to help the family and I was feeling more drained than I did when I was at school, and at that point in time that was something that was really hard to do.
Winter break was hard, it was. For the most part, everyone had changed, and had changed at different paces. The phrase “growing up” was used a lot, but I say changed, “growing up” implies becoming better, I didn’t become better, I just changed. These changes led to awkward moments in groups and the realization that the days of BCHS had come to an end, and you could only cling to those past memories for a limited time. That scared me, I didn’t want any of us to be any different, and I always felt like changing and becoming different people was something that wouldn’t happen to me or any of my friends, how wrong it was. But winter break was hard because for the first time I showed signs of being unable to keep anything together, friendships, relationships, my own sanity, and I hurt people.
Above all, (this person knows who they are) one person took a lot of random “shit” (there’s no better word for it sadly) at a lot of random and extremely sudden times, unfortunately, I never talked about why things were the way they were, I was really depressed and beat up in every sense, and I wasn’t in control of what I said or felt about things. This is not an excuse, only a reality, if there’s any way to prove it, it is that I never was the way I was during winter break before it. Insecurity was a huge issue, I got worried about what people thought about me, I was worried about things other people were doing, and I was worried that I wasn’t really good enough for some of the things I had had for so long [oh throw jealousy in there too], none of these things were ever something I was accustomed to. I couldn’t take care of myself, and in a way I felt like there needed to be someone to save me, but no one could if no one really knew what was going on, and when there was no one there, I got angry at everything around me for having to be the way it had to be. My insecurities came out in ways that I feel terrible about, closeness is much more pure mentally, not physically, which is what I had completely backwards over this period in time. If there’s a painfully fair punishment for acting this rash and immature, it is that I lost something that I never really understood how much I appreciated until afterwards, but it is my own shortcomings that led to the way things are now, and it’s something I have to look back at and vow to never do again. Sorry bud, I blew it.
For the first few months of second semester, I blamed everything else for my problems. I tried to adopt new life views that disavowed religion, and it disavowed things happening for a reason. I don’t know what I believe anymore, but I am upset with myself for trying to deal with my problems by not confronting the only person that could control them: me. I never wanted to either, but I finally understood I needed to over Spring Break, I had never felt so low as I did that week. It was hard to get out of bed, I tried in vain to get back what I had lost, and I was presented with the fact that my Grandma in Hawaii (the only grandparent I had left) was terminally ill, and might not make it until we got to Hawaii in June. This was just another thing to throw on top of problems I couldn’t handle in the first place. When I got back to school, I felt the only thing I could do to make up for it was abuse my liver.
For what it’s worth, I found buddies after break, I appreciate it too, I needed it. In that way I see Madison as my real home, and Brookfield as a place where I’ll perpetually be sad (everything bad seemed to happen in Bfield, right?) to the point where I’ll do anything to run away from it. I don’t like being in my room, it reminds me of everything I don’t have. I don’t like being in the city, it reminds me of times I had that I’ll never have again with those people.
So in the way things go up and down, so did my life. Did I ever think I’d sum up my freshman year by talking about depression [consult a psychology book, they got it pretty right] and family issues [which still are coming and it seems like it will never end], of course not, but it’s the way it happened. And because of it, I’ll always love deeper, I’ll hug closer, I’ll talk more intimately, I’ll smile more when it presents itself, and I’ll be a greater friend to keep anyone away from the feelings I had to go through in these nine short months. Maybe it’s good that I know I need to escape the past and leave things be, and to some extent I’m glad that I’m going to be a greater person in the long run, but never misunderstand me: I didn’t want to learn things the way I did, and I didn’t want to lose what I had in order to understand. However, I may escape the memories of others, I still need to deal with the memory of the kid I used to be. I’ll do my best to be that emotionally stable, fun, goofy, secure, ambitious kid that everyone liked last summer, hopefully in another year, I’ll get to write about how I became those things.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, August 5th, 2003
| |
4:32 pm
|
Its strange that I'm posting, and the beauty is there aren't really a lot of people aren't gonna come across this entry, and I find that that is for the better. I only have three more weeks here, and looking back, I feel a little American Beauty-esque. Throughout these past four years, I hated them. I always wanted something more, something was out of place, it just was never "perfect", but in the end, I guess it all was perfect in it's own way. High school was awesome, and I don't know what I'd trade for it. I learned so much about myself, others, and what it was to grow up.
As everyone is starting to leave, I kinda think back to eighth grade and the step up it was gonna be to be this....freshman. I just started talking to people online, and I thought I had my friends all picked out. I thought I was gonna miss these people in four years, but I'm going to miss the ones I never expected to, and I'm not going to miss the ones I always thought I would.
Each year had it's own special moments, good and bad, and for what its worth, mostly for me I think just looking back at them is kinda neat. Freshman year was pretty dull, I didn't go out a lot, and I didn't necessarily meet a whole batch of new people. I got to be good friends with Laura, hanging out w/ her at football games and such was pretty cool. Back then Laura and Emily were a package deal, and I had enough good talks with both of them through the years that I'm glad our paths crossed. Although I never really hooked up with Laura like I wanted to back then, lol, I eventually got to be close enough to her to really know what it was to start to trust someone with deep and personal secrets and admissions of character flaws. We aren't anywhere as close as we used to be, but we're both different people, and stuff like that just happens.
I was hardcore into Civil Shepherd back then too, Phil's basement was essentially my second home. We had so many awesome times, having fun, being obnoxious, and dreaming of being someone I would never be. I was shy back then, but being forced to play music in front of people kinda made me more open to people other than my close friends. I miss those guys sometimes, cuz those were some of the best days of my life. I didn't worry about girls, I worried about what made me smile and what made me happy. Me and Nick also went to New Orleans that year, and that was so crazy. I could write a book just about what happened there, I really wish I was back there.
Sophomore year was a little more bumpy. It was littered with fights, setbacks, and broken friendships, but it showed me exactly who I didn't want to be. I thought I was pretty hot shit at the beginning of the year, but I couldn't have been more wrong. The Civil Shepherd thing really blew up in my face, but I figured I had allllllll these friends to fall back on, and I thought I'd finally have a shot at one of those things called a girlfriend. I was really really wrong. Homecoming was a disaster, I felt so destroyed as a person it's hard to even put into words. I figured I'd fall back on friends, but they all just ignored me like nothing was too big of a deal. Despite all this "darkness" I did meet someone new who doesn't really ever know how awesome she is. I met her (Kristina) during 7th hour study hall. We had some really crazy good times in there despite the fact I ended up breaking her ruler and stuff trying to fling things, haha. Throughout that year, we got pretty tight, and we still are. We've never really gotten in any sort of major argument which is really rare between a guy and a girl who are friends. Usually that female/male mixture is equivalent to dynamite. She's always been someone I loved to talk to, and loved to be around. Needless to say, I had a pretty wicked crush on her up until the beginning of senior year, lol, something I don't think she ever knew. During that year, Brian was the guy I hung out with. Me and Rob, I think we had issues, but I spent a lot of time with Brian. We shared an obsession with golf, and the phenomenon that is Tiger Woods, and also the more obscure hobby; hitting blocks with tennis balls for fun on weekends. As sad as we were, it was fun, doing stuff like building a driving range and putting green in his basement, haha.
I also met Andy during my sophomore year, that was fun. We had Gomm together, which always brings people closer when you combine your hatred for fat red haired freaks. Put together we had to be the most offensive kids ever, except when you put me Andy and Rob together, or even worse, when you put me Andy Rob and Brian together. I'll always remember Andy's party one night, there weren't a lot of us, and we didn't all really know each other, but by the end of the night I wanted to throw up because I was laughing so hard.
Junior year.....yikes. By the time I was a junior, I was a week off of throwing up all over my parents drunk and passing out in front of them. It was sort of a beginning to a year of drinking and stuff, that for the most part I'm pretty much over. Homecoming was wretched, no offense Marie, but watching members of our "group" getting breathalyzed one by one was not one of those ideal nights. But at least I was part of something that BC will never forget for a very long time, haha, tell those cops at the doors of your dances I say hi. This was the year I was pretty hell bent on experimentation I guess, I smoked, I drank, and I won't say I regretted it. I found out some things about myself, it never really made anything bad go away, but it was definitely fun. Junior year was all about Spanish projects too. Me and Jenders, Leah and Madj, doing late Sunday night work for Dubiel. There was nothing more rewarding than see Madj act like an idiot on camera, or seeing Jenders in a fat suit pretending to be Oprah, or the final project we collaborated on. The anger filled, no effort interview of a famous person. Jenders was Lincoln, but was not dressed like Lincoln. We had to memorize it, but we taped the script next to the camera so it looked like we weren't reading. Funny, lol.
I got my license that year too, only got 25 pts. off on my test. I struck fear into everyone I drove with for those first months, and rightfully so, I struck a good deal of fear into myself. I endured the disappointment that was my golf season, but I still felt like something wasn't right. I had a thing with Jodi, that didn't go so well. I also had Jr. Prom, which was a ton of fun, but it didn't result in any magical romances. That T-shirt is a bunch of shit, lol.
Senior year was definitely the kicker. I think I found out a lot about myself and my friends. It went by too fast, but it doesn't mean it was easy. I thought applying for colleges was tough, but tougher was getting rejected for scholarships. It seemed like all that work to make me someone special was all in vain because there were too many others who were more than I could ever be. I still am going where I want to go, if that didn't work out, who knows what I would have been like. Throughout senior year, there's pretty much one name that really defines the year: Alli. From those days where I was incapacitated w/ my wisdom teeth at band camp, I knew she was something special. I sat back and watched guys try and get her, and that really didn't bother me, cuz I always disregarded the thought that I could have a chance with her at all. Besides, making those dumb faces, having those stupid inside jokes, looking at her and being able to talk was all worth it anyways. Oh well, I got lucky. I also got to hang out with her friends, and she has some cool ones. Lianna is a nice girl, so is Amber, and they were different than most of the girls I was used to seeing. Lianna had this kind, good girl thing going on, and Amber had the whole laugh riot thing. They were cool kids, I don't know how different it's gonna be without seeing them, but I hope not much is gonna change.
Me, Andy, and Rob formed our own little group, lol, it was nice. We did these really stupid things, had these really outrageous talks, and came up with these disgusting jokes, I don't think the world was ready for us. I also got tight with Rupa (but not too tight, lol). She's a neat girl, a breath of fresh air perhaps, she makes me smile with her crazy sayings and nonsense, lol. Despite that, she'll always be girlfriend #2, too bad for her. It seems like the second half of this year went by a lot faster than the first. The first half had Mitchell park, the football game, random trips to Adam Oh's house, and that SEEPP weekend, lol. I'll miss all of that.
To those who I didn't mention, I'm sorry, I only have enough patience to write four pages. It doesn't mean you weren't any less fun or any less influential, those good times just escaped me for the moment. It was a cool four years, and it will be another cool four ahead of me, but I don't think I'll forget any of it. Thanks to anyone I've ever talked to, thanks for anyone who has listened to me complain, thanks to anyone whoever made me smile. Hopefully I'll stay in touch with everybody....here's a little help:
jpletzke@wisc.edu
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Friday, May 16th, 2003
| |
5:48 pm
|
|
These things are stupid......if you want to know what I think or what's going on in my life...just talk to me.
|
|
(4 comments | comment on this)
|
| Sunday, May 11th, 2003
| |
9:55 pm
|
I finally found some time to update my journal, since I know so many of you religiously read this amazing and in depth look into the splendor of human creation, that is I, Josh. Not a lot has happened I guess, and I actually lost a weekend. Besides an hour and a half of entertainment, I spent my weekend away from home and busy. Saturday was an early morning golf tournament (6:15 AM departure from school to be exact). I actually played well, and I think it had to deal with the lack of pressure that was put on us by the coaching staff. Having Mr. Nelsen there as a "coach" was certainly different and a welcome change of pace. Golf was actually fun this time around. Maybe it was the team format, or maybe it was because I played with two complete idiots, it was nice to realize again why I wanted to play golf in the first place.
Today I took my placement tests, and I firmly believed I wasted 6 hours of my life that I will never, ever get back. They were really easy, except for the spanish that I surely failed. I laughed it up as I guessed away. I'm really tired right now, seeing as I'm technically sleeping in tomorrow. I'll be sure to bug you all with another entry in the near future.
current mood:  calm
current music: Our Lady Peace "Innocent"
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, May 7th, 2003
| |
8:33 pm
|
Things I've learned to hate:
1) Golf
2) Scholarship Applications
3) School
a. AP Calc Test
b. Andrew Kuemmel
c. Projects
d. Busy Work
e. Jazz Band
f. Wind Ensemble
4) Thinking About College
5) Placement Tests
6) The Radio
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Sunday, May 4th, 2003
| |
12:57 pm
|
I don't really have much to say...this weekend went as expected. Prom was a blast, which is not a surprise, and yesterday I was completely and totally tired, also not a surprise. Jazz band wasn't as rage inducing as I thought it would be, but it was still pointless, nonetheless. As I listened to the judge speak for no longer than 30 seconds about points that have already been raised by 2 judges and a clinician, I really wondered about the relevance of such an event. But now that it's over I really can't change anything.
It's 1 o'clock, and I'm done with all my homework, I'm kinda unsure whether it is a good or bad thing. I have the whole day ahead of me, but nothing to do.
current mood:  weird
current music: Sevendust "Shine"
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, April 30th, 2003
| |
8:57 pm - Fuck Band!
|
The last few days have been pretty damn annoying. Mr. Gillette somehow found a way to un-disqualify Jazz 1 from it's unpaid debts. What this means for me is this; my Saturday is officially ruined. We are scheduled at 9:00 AM (yes, after prom) complete with an hour drive to get there in the first place. There is not a chance that I will drive, because I'll end up dead...for sure. I just hate knowing that this State Solo & Ensemble he so desperately wants to play at will not change us for the better as musicians, nor will it serve any purpose in furthuring our musical understanding. I solemnly believe that he is doing this for his own pride (Central has played their seven years and running), and nothing else. He has openly criticized the merits of the judging there which make me question why we are participating even more.
Yesterday I had golf. Ugly, don't care, golf is golf. If golf was taking me somewhere in life (aka college for free) I'd put emphasis on it, but it's not so I don't. However, I wouldn't let golf interfere with my life so much that I'd end up with 3 D's and 2 F's, like a certain best player in the state from Arrowhead. What a waste.
As I departed school and pursued a fast food meal to tame my appetite, I pulled one of the biggest bonehead moves of my short life. I dropped change, ended up throwing myself in reverse, panicked and tried to brake. I missed, hit the gas, and backed up into another car. I was lucky that there was essentially no damage but I was still super, super, super mad, but it capped off the day nicely.
Today, was pretty much the same, except I'm even madder now than when I started writing this entry. The day started off easy enough, but Mr. Kuemmel is just a raging jackass. He wouldn't let me take the part of the exam I missed yesterday, and won't let me take the part I will miss tomorrow during my study hall. Why? Cuz it doesn't fit into his schedule of missing test days. These are the teachers that want more money?...... Teachers that don't show up?..... Teachers that refuse to alter their schedules in the least bit for the kids they "love"? Hell, if being a teacher is teaching kids how to put up with stupid bullshit I'd be one amazing teacher.
10 minutes ago, I found out I have to play tomorrow morning to kick off random acts of kindness month. Gillette apparently didn't relay this message which he was notified about weeks ago until tonight, and he made a student do it. So if you see me playing, greet me cuz I'll be angered in the morning. This is ridiculous, I'm sick of band, everything about it, and everything he expects me to do. The reward for hard work: more work, new deadlines, and last minute notification of duties. I owe nothing to band anymore, I tried my best to do everything with a smile this year, but I'm done. (Hey, I did last pretty long)
In a weird, insightful moment, I kind of had a thought about religion. I always doubted a person taking a leap of faith into believing the unkown. But I was laying in bed being mad when I was listening to Live's new song "Heaven." I guess I never really listened to the lyrics before, but they are oddly beautiful. It doesn't always necessarily rhyme, or even flow, but there is a strange and definitely thought provoking message conveyed; that heaven, god, and truth, which are all constructs, can be seen in every day things, i.e. sunsets, a child, to name two. And I guess, in a literal, scientific way, all of these things can be disproved; but in a sense, there are some things in life that are just so beautiful and inspiring (and every good adjective in the world), that science can't really justify the way it is just by formulas and elements, that maybe there is a touch of something more. Don't get me wrong, I'm not calling myself religious, or that I want to be, it's just a different way I've looked at something, and somehow it just really connected. Maybe it's the mood or something?
current mood:  aggravated
current music: STP "Big Bang Baby"
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Monday, April 28th, 2003
| |
8:41 pm
|
Today was the first day back after a week of nothing, and I guess in the end I'm wholly indifferent. My research paper is due in a couple of weeks, but thats no biggie, and any test in any other class I really don't care about. I should be studying for my Calc final as we speak, but early release due to golf has allowed me to put off my impending failure for another 24 hours.
Speaking of golf, I'm starting to feel a little better about it, I'm close to really shooting some good scores. If I don't three putt there....don't fire a ball OB here, and I could go decently low, but that is just the nature of the game. Regardless, I really need to start hauling ass, and this week would is a good one to do so. To date:(47, 43, 44, 47, 49, 44, 43)....Avg....45.3.
Scholarship stuff is really starting to be a drag. Ambiguous, broad, and cliche essays have become my thing as of late and I'm hoping to never answer the questions "Who is your most important role model?" or "What is your most significant achievement?" ever, ever again. Somehow I hate knowing that $1,500 rides on who can write the sappiest and most heart warming essay. Who cares who I look up to, odds are if I'm doing well in school academically I have my head on pretty straight.
26 days left......can't wait till Friday.
current mood:  anxious
current music: A Perfect Circle "Three Libras"
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Saturday, April 26th, 2003
| |
10:16 pm
|
There is no better and more fitting way to cap off my wondrous spring break than sitting at home on a Saturday night completing scholarship applications and Research and Comp. assignments. It's not depressing or anything, it is oddly almost relaxing. I took a hot shower, cleaned up my desk and settled in for a long night of work, and I wasn't at all disappointed. It's just one of those days where attention and fun and laughs don't seem at all appealing, a sense of accomplishment hits the spot more...weird.
Offhand I forgot when my last entry was, well at least one that people can see. I guess I'll start at last night. I had some people over, not a lot, but we were pretty loud and it was pretty fun. There were a lot of good laughs which is always a positive thing. It's weird, I find sitting around in a living room with friends synonymous with spring break. Last year I wouldn't have wanted to go on vacation, but this year I felt a lot different. I really wanted to be somewhere else, maybe I just haven't been outside of Brookfield enough, or I just needed a change of pace. Regardless I am truly jealous of people coming back with their tans and smiles, not saying my break didn't have it's moments either.
Today I got called into work early, I'm really quite a sucker for money. Throw in an extra $3 an hour and I'd pretty much do anything short of selling my soul. But as much as I thought 12-7 on my feet would be a physical and mental drain, it really wasn't. My boss made everything pretty damn easy for me, which I'm grateful for. The day didn't fly by per se, but it did ease along at a very manageable pace. I get to do the same tomorrow, but the timing for extra hours is perfect, the extra money is easing the blow that my pocketbook has taken for prom.
Is this who we are? "I choose to live and to grow, take and give and to move, learn and love and to cry, kill and die and to be paranoid and to lie, hate and fear and to do what it takes to move through." (Ironically a selective part of this song is my senior quote)
current mood: relaxed
current music: Taproot "Like"
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, April 22nd, 2003
| |
11:31 pm
|
Spring Break is actually kind of (I hope this isn't a jinx) starting to get a little better. The last few nights I've actually left the house, but my GOD I HAVE ACCOMPLISHED NOTHING! I have some serious scholarship stuff to do, some serious studying and some serious research paper writing left. It's not like, well I SHOULD get a head start on it, I actually NEED to. Ah well...of course I'm bitching and writing in my live journal instead of working.
Last night I watched Basic with Rob and Rick. What a terrible movie. Save your $8.50 and cut ur wrists, its free and a better time. It was actually cool for the majority, but it was just ruined by it's own need to constantly twist the plot. The last ten minutes could be arguably the worst ten minutes of movie history. If you'd like to know, please ask, I'd love to ruin that movie for you, it would bring my mind some peace.
Today I spent all day up at Kohler playing at Blackwolf Run. It was absolutely and completely gorgeous, albeit a tad difficult. I chunked, bladed, three putted, and dumped balls in the water en route to a sad 93 (49-44). I guess although I suck, I took total and complete redemption in knowing that I got to experience something that most people really don't get to go through in life. I'm pretty lucky. Having said that, my god what a bitch of a course. It's one of the only ones I've ever played where you run the risk of screwing yourself over by being in the middle of the fairway. Not to say it can't be conquered as one kid in my group proved. After 18 holes, he had three birdies, an eagle, and a bogey, to fire off an absolutely ridiculous (and professional level) 4-under 68. Watching it wasn't really a mind altering experience, it was just so impressive. He had 16 birdie putts by my count on 18 holes, and it is just shocking that his score could have (and maybe should have) been a whole lot better.
Tonight I hung out at Rob's and repulsed the ladies. Ha! I don't even know what I do to disgust them so much.... Hopefully tomorrow should prove to be pretty exciting.
current mood:  tired
current music: Maroon 5 "Harder to Breathe"
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Sunday, April 20th, 2003
| |
10:28 pm
|
|
| Friday, April 18th, 2003
| |
11:57 pm
|
Spring break is finally here, only to come to the crushing realization that I have a research paper to work on, semester 2 calc. exam to study for, as well as the AP exam; which unlike the others actually matters. But in the end, it is OK that I have to do work because I'll have PLENTY of time to accomplish what I need to. The last few days have been basically a reaffirmation of this fact. As relaxing as I wanted this break to be, it has already turned into extreme boredom. It sucks that most people are gonna be gone, not that the people who are here aren't fun, its just not the same....
Last night I was in bed by 11, after downloading an entire CD on a dial up modem in one sitting. (By the way, Chevelle's "Wonder What's Next" CD, although it has some good songs, really sucks) After taking my first shower in days today, I ventured out into the real world for a few hours with Kristina, which was pretty entertaining. Later on, our attempt as a group to dine at a civilized place was promptly shut down due to waiting, and we ended up at high class Noodles. Me, Kristina, Jenders, and Rob eventually wound up at my house where after many movie switches, we finally watched Seven (with Brad Pitt, Kevin Spacey, and Morgan Freeman). What a damn good movie, but it also provided me with some in depth thinking for the day. The seven deadly sins......what bullshit, lol.
The thought that we should be killed or slaughtered or that we are less of people for succumbing to any of the seven "deadly" sins is kind of laughable. There is not a single person that could ever live an entire lifetime without partaking in greed, lust, envy, etc. I've probably gone through all of those things just today, lol.
current mood: calm
current music: Chevelle "Send the Pain Below"
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Sunday, April 13th, 2003
| |
9:50 pm
|
Today was one of those days that I wish I could have slept through. Except for 20 minutes of fun, I did nothing except be a disgusting waste of life. Kristina picked me and Jenders up for a spin in her parent's Mustang, which made me make an addition to my future life goals. The list now includes owning a convertible, because the inevitable fact is this: how can you NOT look cool in a Mustang, and coolness is all that is really important.
I watched a lot of The Masters today too. It was good I guess, but some of it really made me question the logistics behind the rules of golf. I watched Jeff Maggert hit himself with his own ball, and if that wasn't bad enough he had to deal with the fact that it cost him two more strokes on top of that. Which leads to the simple question...why?!?!
The day was just pretty much boring until about an hour ago, then I ended up getting really pissed. My mom and I were perusing through the HUSCO scholarship application, when we came upon the arbitrary extra curriculars/ community service question. Somehow my mom felt the need to blurt out, "Here is another scholarship that you won't get because you were lazy for four years." That little comment got me really, really mad. She thinks she understands my life wholly and how not busy it is. But whatever, she couldn't get an A or a B in some of the classes I'm taking, no matter how convinced of it she may be. The thing that gets me mad the most is that she felt the need to say it to a kid who posted a more than decent GPA, worst offense was getting drunk and getting caught (and vomiting), and had no disciplinary action. I really wish that sometimes I had a 1.5, drug problem, and some anti-social disorder so that she could see how good she has it with her kids.
There's nothing more rewarding to a kid than hearing how proud a parent is of their success and hard work (in school or anything). I just wish that one day I'll get a compliment for what and who I became.
current mood:  discontent
current music: Live "Heaven"
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Friday, April 11th, 2003
| |
11:53 pm
|
Well, I have taken almost a week off since my last entry, but it isn't because I was busy or anything. It is more because I really don't have anything to talk about at all. I lost my Jazz Band folder which just sucks major ass. There was a lot of music in there, "$300" worth...actually like $60, but I guess the fact of the matter is that life would be a lot easier if I just got that thing back.
Hm....Tonight I went to go see the play. Despite many people who felt otherwise, I viewed the play as kinda "blah." If you disagree, please don't comment, you are just gonna waste your time. I thought the actors/actresses were really good, but the whole plot just didn't really go anywhere, and the length of the entire ordeal was a major turnoff. At two hours and thirty minutes, there was so much that could have been cut out without really hurting the production the least bit. But in the end, I guess it was decent, just not mind bogglingly good.
Lately I've been getting back into Tool. It took hours upon hours of Phish CD's in study hall, as well as musical conversation with Andy, to realize once again how good they really are. Granted I know it's not everyone's "bag of chips," but from a musical standpoint, the time signature changes, polyrhythms, and chord changes are unbelievable for a mainstream "rock band."
As is typical of who I am, I always have to say something to piss people off. Lately, if you've followed the news, you'll be aware of a certain Martha Burk who is fighting the "no woman" policy at Augusta National (home of The Masters). Every time I see an article dealing with her, I just laugh, because she's wasting so much time, effort, and resources to argue the policies of ONE country club in ALL of America. Despite the spotlight Augusta gets, it really shouldn't open be open to this much discussion. It is a type of discrimination most definitely, but it is one of those things where people just have to look at the situation and say, "Is the fight really worth the end results?" and I clearly think the answer is NO. This ONE club is not indicative of American ideals, nor does it promote any sort or racism or intolerance, it's just the way things have always been, whether they are "staying with the times" or not. Instead of continuing their peaceful existence as an all male club, they are in the middle of heated controversy, but whatever. After tonight, I'm so absolutely positive that there are some institutions where men are disallowed and despised, but guys really don't feel the need to put on a ten month media circus to fight such a thing, because in either instance, life will not come to an end if you don't get to enjoy one little privilege or circumstance the other gender may enjoy.
current mood: groggy
current music: Taproot "I"
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Sunday, April 6th, 2003
| |
8:26 pm
|
So I was reading Rob's live journal, which I have a tendency of doing a lot. In his last paragraph he talks about the inescapability of a typical life pattern of education, marriage, employment and death. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, but I perceived it to be a complaint as to how boring life (and it's "set course") will be. In response: My very own interpretations of life.
Despite the masses inevitably criticizing these things, school has a purpose (except for second semester of senior year), parents are awesome, America is incredible, and life is more rewarding than we think it is. First of all, school. Busy work, yes, stress, yes, time consuming, most definitely. But in the end, would you trade all of those things to end up stupid, uneducated, socially unacceptable, and incapable of functioning productively? I don't think so. Whether we want to admit it or not, school is more than learning, it has to deal with relationships, compromise, maturation, and mind strengthening.
Parents....you gotta love them. They mess up, and they know that, but kids do all the time. I guess in an effort to sound as cliche as possible, rules and constrictions are done "for our own benefit" and believe it or not, I will give them that....even though I will bitterly fight my 11:30 curfew for many months to come. And parents bail us out of sooo much it is ridiculous. In most occasions the arbitrary disagreement or hard feelings are just a part of life that should be moved past and forgotten. Holding as many things against them as possible is a teenage norm, but someday we'll realize the good they've done for us.
Marriage...now I get to use the word "love" a lot, which I love. Actually anyone who knows me understands my complete and utter disdain for that word, and I'm not going to pretend that I have ever been in love before, even though I have made the mistake of both saying it and feeling like it might be there. The only love I truly understand is the familial sort (no offense to any girls), but high school is high school. Loving someone is harder than most people could imagine, and saying it just leads to unjust and unneeded hurt feelings and disappointment. Someday though, I am so sure I will be with a "special someone", and it will be for the most part perfect.
America...Here is my small political schpiel. America, despite protest by many anti-war activists, is an unbelievable country. Anyone who really disagrees with American ideals and beliefs, feel free to get the hell out. Third world countries are receptive of populations, and instead of a dandy little democracy where you can voice your opinions as to the right and wrong doings of a government without any sort of retaliation, you can face the swift punishment that other countries would love to enforce. It is amazing to me the people that fight America and the war. Here is a country that is protecting them, and here are people that are losing their lives fighting in the Middle East for us. Somehow some of the population feels that their small voices of reason will somehow persuade President Bush to inexplicably cut off the war in Iraq, because they hold up posters and flash peace signs. They neglect to see that Saddam Hussein is actually harboring chemical weapons, and completely neglect the fact that it is entirely possible that there is something more to this situation than anybody in the general American public knows about, that the Government is hiding from us for our own benefit. Instead these soldiers see the people who demean their efforts, and make their live seem inconsequential and useless. On another note, our country, and capitalism, allows us to make our own choices, forge our own paths, and make ourselves who we want to be. The harder we work, the better the chance that we become who we want, the way that I think it should be.
In the end we look back on the lives we have, and the opportunities that lay before us. It doesn't seem so boring and mundane unless you view it that way. We have a chance to prosper, intellectually grow, fall in love, all under a blanket of rights and freedoms that others around the world envy, but we take for granted.
current mood:  lethargic
current music: Dave Matthews Band "Typical Situation"
|
|
(4 comments | comment on this)
|
| Saturday, April 5th, 2003
| |
11:47 pm
|
This live journal entry caps off yet another wonderful day in my important existence on this planet. My day included shopping with family members and a hair cut, followed by feeding the elderly.
Next, after nearly an hour of being online and choosing to attend one of the numerous opportunities that allowed me to leave my house, I finally decided that Andy's house was in my best interest. Sorry to all the others who extended invitations. By being there, I remembered two of the most important lessons I've learned in my life so far. 1) Bodily functions are funny (but farts are funnier than burps). 2) Bodily functions (especially farting, especially in front of girls) seems to make any situation (viewing a chick flick) bearable and entertaining. Granted I burp all the time at lunch, but after tonight I realize it just doesn't have quite the same impact as doing such a thing in a rather quiet environment. Bodily functions, at their loudest, have the same intoxicating quality as eight shots of high quality liquor I must say.
current mood: chipper
current music: Tool "46 & 2"
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Friday, April 4th, 2003
| |
1:00 pm
|
Hm.... where do I start? Yesterday was a pretty good day in terms of school oddly enough. I got a pretty massive extension for a PAD project, which will only make me lazier in the long run. I somehow ended up with an A in that class, along with Physics, I was sure I was gonna end up with B's, because I don't try anymore, but in a sad, ironic way, I'm succeeding.
Last night I went to Catie's, and for the first hour or so, I was unbearably wired and obnoxious. I was so proud of myself. We sat around and watched Ice Age, but by far the most entertaining part of my night involved Jay Leno's Ross the Intern. If you saw it you'll know what I mean, but describing it could be "offensive" or "intolerant" to the lifestyles of others. It's "too bad" that I couldn't be "descriptive" without any "kind" posts. The only sucky thing was that I had to leave by 11, because my parents are crazy and like restricting curfews.
I started my day off bright and early as my alarm rang at 5:45, which naturally put me in a good mood. The next two hours involved moving, setting up, packing, and again moving a drum set for a measly four songs at some banquet at the Venice Club. Then frantically hauling ass to Golf Galaxy for the most monotonous and boring two hour golf practice one could imagine. Now off to more fun golf adventures in the small gym classroom.
current mood: tired
current music: Theory of a Dead Man "Make up Your Mind"
|
|
(5 comments | comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, April 2nd, 2003
| |
8:32 pm - Hahaha
|
This is sadly kind of funny to me. After many months of reading live journals and dismissing them as gossip, I have decided to be a hypocrite and start my very own. Granted, mine will not be as interesting as some people's, due to the fact that I am not exactly "politically motivated" or "insane", but I figure I might say some things every now and then that will get people upset. Life is pretty average I must say, school is a drag, but something I only have to deal with for 37 more days. I took a pretty hard PAD test that tested just memorization of notes and such, I think I did pretty bad, but who really cares? Golf tryouts are going average. I refuse to get worked up over any sort of score, or anyone else's score because if I get cut, I get cut, and get to enjoy a lot of free time, but more school. Oh well, that's about it for now.
current mood: amused
current music: Incubus "Nowhere Fast"
|
|
(5 comments | comment on this)
|
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
jpcappy144's journal